it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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