Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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