I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
