mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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