My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
