I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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