Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
