Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
