i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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