I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
