I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
