I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
