we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
