I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
