Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
be right there i have to get my cape
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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