my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
