she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
