That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
