Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
