Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
