I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
