already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
