I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
