just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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