Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
