Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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