He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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