My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
