Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
