Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
