1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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