so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
