I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
