The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
