I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
