I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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