Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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