there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
you made out with another girl for some wings
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
