My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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