I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
