My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
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You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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