Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
