I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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