I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
