In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
