my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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