Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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