The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
