I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
