i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
