i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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