Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
