My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
