I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
