i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
