Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize