Even the bartender felt bad for me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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