Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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