i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize