Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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