I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
